When Life Crashes Down: A Journey Through Illness, Hope, and the Role of AI in Legacy
Everything seemed to collapse all at once. A storm of physical and emotional stress overwhelmed me, leaving me grappling with despair over politics, war, and a sudden, life-altering change in my health. It was a trifecta of challenges that pushed me into a deep depression, one that I couldn’t shake for days. I cried endlessly, unable to pinpoint the exact cause of my anguish—until I realized that my sudden withdrawal from a high dose of steroids was fueling my emotional spiral.
Frankly, I’m lucky to have survived those three days of withdrawal. The world around me felt bleak enough, with Israel’s multi-front war and the implications of the U.S. elections and Israeli coalition politics weighing heavily on my mind. But my personal battle added another layer of despair: my cancer had returned.
A Sudden and Painful Turn
In September, my wife, Jody, and I had spent ten blissful days vacationing in Portugal. It was a time of joy and exploration, a brief escape from the realities of life. But just weeks later, I found myself in excruciating pain, sitting in the emergency room at Hadassah University Medical Center in Jerusalem’s Ein Kerem. The hard plastic chairs offered no comfort as I writhed, trying to find a position that would ease the agony.
After nine grueling hours in the ER on a Friday night, the radiologist’s report revealed the source of my pain: a tumor pressing on my ureter, the tube that connects the kidneys to the bladder. I’ve never experienced kidney stones, but I was told the pain was comparable. The supercool bispecific antibody treatment I had been receiving throughout 2024 had successfully eradicated 95% of my cancer, but one stubborn tumor remained resistant.
To buy some time, I was prescribed prednisone in the hope that it might shrink the tumor temporarily. However, this was only a stopgap measure before I would need to begin a much more aggressive chemotherapy protocol. The physical toll of the cancer and its treatments was immense, but the emotional weight was even heavier.
Grappling with Mortality
As I navigated this new chapter of my illness, I found myself confronting my mortality in a way I never had before. While I’m not in immediate danger of dying, the failure of my previous treatments and the harshness of the next round left me feeling hopeless. The statistical likelihood that the new treatment might also fail was a crushing blow.
Hope, one of the most vital human emotions, seemed to slip through my fingers. I began to question everything—how long I might live, what kind of quality of life I could expect, and whether I would ever regain the energy to enjoy the things I love. Would I be able to kick a ball around with my three-year-old grandson, Ilai? Push one-year-old Roni on the swings? Would Jody and I still be able to hike and travel overseas? Or would my new normal be defined by limitations and discomfort?
When I felt particularly low, I would spend hours doom-scrolling online, consumed by thoughts of mortality. It led me to a grim realization: Is life merely a decades-long distraction from death? Are all the things we do—raising families, pursuing careers—just ways to avoid fixating on the inevitable?
The Question of Legacy
For someone like me, who doesn’t believe in an afterlife, the concept of immortality is tied to legacy. I’ve always admired figures like William Shakespeare, David Ben-Gurion, and Moses—individuals whose names and contributions are unlikely to be forgotten. But for the rest of us, what remains after we’re gone? Our children may remember us for a time, but for our grandchildren, we might just be a distant memory, a voice on an old videotape.
Can Technology Preserve Our Legacy?
In the face of these existential questions, I began to wonder: Could technology help us preserve our legacies? Thirty-one-year-old computer engineer Muhammed Aurangzeb Ahmad offers an intriguing example. As described in an episode of David Zvi Kalman’s podcast Belief in the Future, Ahmad created an AI tool called Grandpa Bot. By uploading his late father’s text messages, recorded phone conversations, and home videos, Ahmad built an interactive simulation of his father.
Ahmad isn’t alone in exploring this concept. In South Korea, a woman used virtual reality to reunite with her deceased daughter. In China, a software developer has reportedly created AI simulations for 600 families. These technologies offer a way to keep the memory of loved ones alive, even if they can never truly replace the person who has passed.
Ahmad acknowledges the limitations of Grandpa Bot. “It does not have a consciousness,” he explains. “It just mimics a few aspects of my father’s personality.” Initially, Ahmad restricted the bot’s knowledge to the data he had uploaded, but this created confusion for his children when the bot couldn’t relate to current events. Reluctantly, he added more data to make the simulation more relatable.
The Ethical Dilemma
Kalman sees value in these AI tools but raises an important question: Are we simulating the dead to stay rooted in the past, or are we using these tools to move forward with our lives? The potential applications of this technology are vast. Could we one day “chat” with historical figures like Maimonides or Rashi? Could AI interpretations of ancient texts make them more accessible to modern audiences? And what about religious leaders like Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson of Chabad—could an AI simulation turn him into a virtual messiah?
Finding Hope Amid Uncertainty
As I reflect on my own pursuit of legacy, I realize that I may be obsessing over an outcome that is far from certain. My next cancer treatment could be a breakthrough, allowing me to live into my 90s, healthy and active. Or the world could face a catastrophic event, rendering all thoughts of legacy moot. The unpredictability of life is both a challenge and a reminder to cherish the present.
For now, I’m trying to hold onto hope, even as I navigate the uncertainties of my health and the world around me. And perhaps, in the end, it’s not about leaving a legacy that lasts forever but about making the most of the time we have.
The writer’s book Totaled: The Billion-Dollar Crash of the Startup that Took on Big Auto, Big Oil and the World has been published as an audiobook. Available on Amazon and other online booksellers. brianblum.com
Originally Written by: Brian Blum
